Jerzei Collie's journal

The second auto body shop I visited Tuesday said the larger hail dents in my car would likely add at least $800 to the original damage estimate I got. The time quoted for repairs was half the time compared to the first shop: 2-3 weeks.

I was too tired when I woke up today. I decided to skip this week's Toastmasters meeting since I hadn't signed up for any roles. I don't know if the tired feeling is depression since I don't really feel sad or happy. I made sure to drink two large glasses of water after getting out of bed since I've been slacking off on drinking enough water.

Plans to attend my non-RMFC vacation in 2017 (TFF, BLFC or the singles cruise reunion) may have to be canceled if I don't find a new job before then. I could afford two vacations, but I wouldn't have enough money left over for emergencies or much else.

As soon as I actually put an effort into cleaning my condo, I'd like to eventually have my windows fixed or replaced. Another wasp was flying around behind the blinds of one window again. I'm assuming it flew out whatever opening it entered through since I don't hear it now nor see a dead wasp anywhere. Depression over eventually being unemployed, the vagueness of when my last work day will actually be, and my desire to find a new job/business and new home have zapped my motivation to do anything. I don't consider myself a hoarder, but I've been too lazy to throw out some of the boxes and bags in my condo.

Coming home from a vacation is depressing enough, but catching up on financial issues is even worse. I'm going through a weekend of mail and picking out the bills that need to be paid.

At least this "First World Problem" will get another temporary reprieve in two weeks with RMFC.

Last week's calorie average: 1,908.6
Days above 2,000 calories: 3 (2120, 2230 and 2080)

I actually got a good night's sleep Saturday night. I fell asleep sometime around 9:00-9:15 PM and slept about seven hours. Unfortunately, I felt sleepy earlier than usual on Sunday night and went to bed around 10 PM.

I don't think I'll get the temporary political job since I haven't heard back from the campaign office (which said they'd call within 24 hours.) My depression is starting to increase again since I keep feeling like giving up everything I'm currently involved in (Toastmasters, furry meets, online chats, etc.) due to lack of both money and motivation. I will be working extra hours at KRCC next Sunday to fill in for one person's shift (and possibly a second.)

Weekly calorie average: 1,848.6
Days above 2,000 calories: 1 (2,010)

I began feeling really depressed during my work shift today. I've been listening to music tonight to cheer myself up again.

If it wasn't so expensive, I'd ask my family to get me some professional audio recording equipment for Christmas.

PAY for Monday, December 3rd: 6 hours (9 AM-3 PM)
Tuesday, December 4th: 6 hours (6 AM-12 PM)
Wednesday, December 5th: 7 hours (6-9 AM and 3-7 PM)
Thursday, December 6th: 7 hours (12-7 PM)

NEXT PAYCHECK
Friday, December 7th: 3.25 hours (6-9:15 AM)

My mood these past few days has been horrible. I had run out of Buspirone refills this month, and an emergency refill wasn't approved before I ran out of pills last Saturday. I bought a bottle of Happy Camper which helped a little, but I found myself feeling more irritable and frustrated. After initially not signing up for a KRCC phone shift on Friday (due to Toastmasters,) I decided to answer phones from 6-9 AM. I didn't get much sleep beforehand (around 3 hours.) I offered to stay until noon since another volunteer couldn't make it in, but I was too groggy and grumpy and went home at 9:15 instead. I also let Toastmasters know I couldn't make it today and took a three-hour nap at home.

My bathroom's remodeling was completed on Thursday, one day ahead of schedule. It's wonderful to have the toilet and bathtub/shower hooked up again. I took my first shower in the new tub after my nap. The new shower curtain rod and towel rack are set an inch or two lower than the old ones, so it makes me feel a bit taller.

Related to my KRCC shifts, I should sign up for more evening shifts during next April's drive. I worked until 7 PM on two nights and was given some of the leftover strip steak and pizza to take home.

Weekly calorie average: 1,800.7
Days above 2,000 calories: 0

I had another great year at Boo At The Zoo. I did feel myself have a few anxlety attacks around the kids, but they were minor. I also had a bit of the Jekyll and Hyde feeling as well. I guess most of the parents thought I was just some creepy guy hanging around with the fursuiters instead of being part of the group. After a while, I just gave up and stood to the side.

Another depressing thought hit me during that time. Nicona and Snow Queen (the furry couple who volunteer at the zoo) have been married over 20 years. I'm roughly the same age as them. If I am lucky enough to find and marry the right woman in the next few years, I will be in my 60s on our 20th anniversary (if I'm fortunate enough to live that long.) Unfortunately, that will involve finding a company that is open-minded enough to hire me at a decent wage. I don't think that will happen anytime soon. I keep waiting for a company to prove me wrong on this. So far, it hasn't happened.

Weekly calorie average: 1,893.6
Days above 2,000 calories: 2 (2,220 and 2,110)

I sometimes get anxious and/or depressed when I watch video footage of furry conventions and gatherings. This is odd because being around furries at a gathering/convention makes me happy and relaxed. I guess it's different when I can't directly talk to and hug them. I feel bad because I can't currently afford a fursuit or to go to more than one convention a year (driving to Denver for RMFC.) Also, I don't have any close friends (furry or non-furry) who invite me anywhere.

Weekly calorie average: 1,967.1
Days above 2,000 calories: 1 (2,060)

I've put some weight back on. I had been between 250 and 255 for most of the year. This morning, I weighed 261. I haven't been exercising as much, mainly due to depression and lack of motivation. I can't even enjoy myself when doing things I like because I get stressed out about my inability to find a weekday job. Also, the lack of air conditioning and resulting heat tend to aggravate my anxiety. I usually enjoy the heat when I'm relaxed, but stress has a way of making it unbearable. I will get to fill in for another board operator for four hours next Sunday. I'm looking through my things to see if there's anything else I could sell to raise more money.

I saw a chart of how many hours a minimum wage person would have to work in order to afford a two-bedroom apartment. I believe Colorado's figure was 85 hours a week (17 hours a day Monday-Friday, or 12.1 hours a day Sunday-Saturday.) The two lowest states (Arkansas and West Virginia) had figures in the 60s. The highest figure belonged to Hawaii at 175 hours a week (that's 25 hours a day Sunday-Saturday!)

Speaking of KRCC, I noticed a few of the houses north of the station on Weber Street have a tall, chain link fence surrounding them now. I wonder if these houses are being renovated or torn down.

I think this afternoon is the closest I’ve come to actually breaking down and crying in the past 8 years. My body has gotten used to me holding in my emotions since I was a kid (so I wouldn’t get teased.) Now on the rare times I truly feel like crying, it lasts maybe 2-3 seconds then my body basically says “stop.”

I’ve spent the last three years looking and applying for a full-time weekday job to supplement my weekend job. The biggest roadblock I’ve come across is potential employers that require me to work weekends, forcing me to give up my weekend job. I’ve been working at KRCC for close to 10 years. This is the longest, most enjoyable and most secure job I’ve had, and my current chances of being fired are less than 1% (not to mention this is what I went to college to learn to do.)

One second job I took (telemarketing) fired me after two days because I didn’t make enough sales. Another job (telephone surveys) had sporadic hours and weeks-long stretches with no available hours. The most recent job (Fort Carson dining hall worker) fired me after a month due to staff reductions. If I had quit KRCC to do any of these jobs on weekends, I’d be even further up Shit Creek now.

I could live on $17,000-22,000 a year if my parents still pay some of my bills (condo HOA, utilities and food,) but I know I can’t rely on them forever. I would need to make at least $25,000-30,000 to be truly self-sufficient. These totals include putting some money toward paying off my debt and saving up for emergencies and the occasional vacation.

My job counselor just e-mailed a few openings to me. They are all part-time retail positions instead of full-time, but I'll still apply. The job postings don't say exactly what the pay rate is, and they also say "Minimum one weekend day per week." I will have to contact the company to see exactly when I'd have to work on Saturday and/or Sunday and how much I'd actually get. The listing says hours are flexible, but some companies define flexible as "you can either work 8 to 5 or 8:30 to 5:30." I will give up or reschedule any leisure activities (Toastmasters, OA, etc.) which interfere with the job, but I hope to keep that to a minimum.