jcollie719: (License JCollie719)
The second auto body shop I visited Tuesday said the larger hail dents in my car would likely add at least $800 to the original damage estimate I got. The time quoted for repairs was half the time compared to the first shop: 2-3 weeks.

I was too tired when I woke up today. I decided to skip this week's Toastmasters meeting since I hadn't signed up for any roles. I don't know if the tired feeling is depression since I don't really feel sad or happy. I made sure to drink two large glasses of water after getting out of bed since I've been slacking off on drinking enough water.
jcollie719: (Luigi)
I talked to my physician on Wednesday about sleep apnea. A sleep clinic is supposed to contact me in the next few days to schedule an appointment. I scored higher on the pre-appointment depression survey, going from a score of 13/26 last time to 21/26. The recent changes at work and my general sleep problems certainly played a role in this.

Someone actually flirted with me during a friend's stream last night. While I'm flattered by the compliments, having them come from some anonymous text on a screen makes me uncomfortable. Past come-ons over the internet didn't work out well for me, which is why I try to avoid them.
jcollie719: (I Haz A Sad)
Plans to attend my non-RMFC vacation in 2017 (TFF, BLFC or the singles cruise reunion) may have to be canceled if I don't find a new job before then. I could afford two vacations, but I wouldn't have enough money left over for emergencies or much else.

As soon as I actually put an effort into cleaning my condo, I'd like to eventually have my windows fixed or replaced. Another wasp was flying around behind the blinds of one window again. I'm assuming it flew out whatever opening it entered through since I don't hear it now nor see a dead wasp anywhere. Depression over eventually being unemployed, the vagueness of when my last work day will actually be, and my desire to find a new job/business and new home have zapped my motivation to do anything. I don't consider myself a hoarder, but I've been too lazy to throw out some of the boxes and bags in my condo.
jcollie719: (tiger jump)
I hope this week's snow melts enough so I can be away from home for a bit. I'm depressed at the moment because I'm both lonely and wishing I had a marketable talent. I'd love to get help pursuing my dream of owning a radio/TV station, but I don't know who to turn to for help.

(7:10 AM) I feel a little better after sleeping for a few hours. Today's high will only be around 26 degrees. Unless the sidewalks are shoveled today, I'll likely remain at home today.

(9:40 AM) Whew! I'm not crazy after all! Either that, or everyone else is crazier than me! I hear the sidewalks being cleared, so I'll pick up my medication refill and a few other things this afternoon.
jcollie719: (tiger jump)
Coming home from a vacation is depressing enough, but catching up on financial issues is even worse. I'm going through a weekend of mail and picking out the bills that need to be paid.

At least this "First World Problem" will get another temporary reprieve in two weeks with RMFC.
jcollie719: (Buster Sheep)
You're dead for a real long time
You just can't prevent it
So if money can't buy happiness
I guess I'll have to rent it


Today I noticed I haven't tagged any entries with anxiety or depression for at least two months.  I've still felt those emotions occasionally, but they weren't severe or long-lasting spells.  I did have a couple of longer-lasting anxiety attacks and felt depressed earlier today, partially due to the cold weather.  I realized I had forgotten to take my anxiety medications for the day.

One of the major factors which reduced my anxiety was getting out of debt last month.  It's definitely more relaxing having fewer bills and not worrying about whether I can afford to pay them.  Speaking of money, I need to stop by KRCC tomorrow to make sure I submitted my time card for the first half of the month.

I got some boneless chicken breasts yesterday so I can try out the Crock Pot Orange Chicken recipe I saw months ago.
jcollie719: (Luigi)
Last week's calorie average: 1,908.6
Days above 2,000 calories: 3 (2120, 2230 and 2080)

I actually got a good night's sleep Saturday night. I fell asleep sometime around 9:00-9:15 PM and slept about seven hours. Unfortunately, I felt sleepy earlier than usual on Sunday night and went to bed around 10 PM.

I don't think I'll get the temporary political job since I haven't heard back from the campaign office (which said they'd call within 24 hours.) My depression is starting to increase again since I keep feeling like giving up everything I'm currently involved in (Toastmasters, furry meets, online chats, etc.) due to lack of both money and motivation. I will be working extra hours at KRCC next Sunday to fill in for one person's shift (and possibly a second.)
jcollie719: (Headbanger Weird Al)
I had been very depressed the past couple of days, but I'm relaxing with some good music now.

I bought a few breakfast items earlier. From time to time, I get tired in the middle of the day. It's usually caused by a lack of sleep and/or only having a light breakfast. Having more breakfast options will also encourage me to use the remaining eggs I bought a couple weeks ago, when I needed one for a recipe.
jcollie719: (On Air light)
Weekly calorie average: 1,848.6
Days above 2,000 calories: 1 (2,010)

I began feeling really depressed during my work shift today. I've been listening to music tonight to cheer myself up again.

If it wasn't so expensive, I'd ask my family to get me some professional audio recording equipment for Christmas.
jcollie719: (Tiger costume)
Another employee offered to relieve me at work Saturday night so I can go to the bowling meet.

It's been snowing in parts of town recently. I reprogrammed my thermostat so my condo can be a bit warmer at night and a bit cooler during the day. I also picked up refills for both of my medications. I hope this will lessen the weather-related depression I have from time to time.
jcollie719: (Luigi)
PAY for Monday, December 3rd: 6 hours (9 AM-3 PM)
Tuesday, December 4th: 6 hours (6 AM-12 PM)
Wednesday, December 5th: 7 hours (6-9 AM and 3-7 PM)
Thursday, December 6th: 7 hours (12-7 PM)

NEXT PAYCHECK
Friday, December 7th: 3.25 hours (6-9:15 AM)

My mood these past few days has been horrible. I had run out of Buspirone refills this month, and an emergency refill wasn't approved before I ran out of pills last Saturday. I bought a bottle of Happy Camper which helped a little, but I found myself feeling more irritable and frustrated. After initially not signing up for a KRCC phone shift on Friday (due to Toastmasters,) I decided to answer phones from 6-9 AM. I didn't get much sleep beforehand (around 3 hours.) I offered to stay until noon since another volunteer couldn't make it in, but I was too groggy and grumpy and went home at 9:15 instead. I also let Toastmasters know I couldn't make it today and took a three-hour nap at home.

My bathroom's remodeling was completed on Thursday, one day ahead of schedule. It's wonderful to have the toilet and bathtub/shower hooked up again. I took my first shower in the new tub after my nap. The new shower curtain rod and towel rack are set an inch or two lower than the old ones, so it makes me feel a bit taller.

Related to my KRCC shifts, I should sign up for more evening shifts during next April's drive. I worked until 7 PM on two nights and was given some of the leftover strip steak and pizza to take home.
jcollie719: (I Haz A Sad)
I'll be having dinner with my family at my brother's house this afternoon. Last night, I wasn't sure if I'd be able to go since my anxiety and depression have been really severe this week. I get very uncomfortable around my brother's family, but I'd rather not be alone right now. EDIT: My anxiety flared up again around 1:30, so I didn't go to dinner.

I wish I could have my old life back. I was so much happier when I was working full-time at Metro Networks. I had just moved into my condo and was starting to move toward being truly independent when I was laid off.

I started a third route with my phone book delivery job. It's actually two small routes with a total of 49 addresses. I tried to deliver to the businesses Wednesday, but the first one I visited was closed and the gate entries to some of the others were locked. If they're still closed on Friday, I'll deliver to the residential addresses then try the businesses again on Monday.
jcollie719: (Collie Puppet)
Weekly calorie average: 1,800.7
Days above 2,000 calories: 0

I had another great year at Boo At The Zoo. I did feel myself have a few anxlety attacks around the kids, but they were minor. I also had a bit of the Jekyll and Hyde feeling as well. I guess most of the parents thought I was just some creepy guy hanging around with the fursuiters instead of being part of the group. After a while, I just gave up and stood to the side.

Another depressing thought hit me during that time. Nicona and Snow Queen (the furry couple who volunteer at the zoo) have been married over 20 years. I'm roughly the same age as them. If I am lucky enough to find and marry the right woman in the next few years, I will be in my 60s on our 20th anniversary (if I'm fortunate enough to live that long.) Unfortunately, that will involve finding a company that is open-minded enough to hire me at a decent wage. I don't think that will happen anytime soon. I keep waiting for a company to prove me wrong on this. So far, it hasn't happened.
jcollie719: (tiger jump)
My grandmother's colonoscopy was postponed, but something happened to me today that was just as painful as a colonoscopy.

My Vocational Rehab counselor called this morning to tell me something I kept trying to avoid. Since most jobs locally would require working weekends, I would have to quit my KRCC job in order to earn more money. I let her know I would be willing to make the sacrifice, though I definitely wouldn't be happy about it. I'm not mad about having to take a mediocre job with okay pay. I'm mad about having to give up a great job (with low pay) to get it instead of just finding a second job to supplement working at KRCC.

I guess everything I studied and worked hard for in my adult life has been in vain. One of my radio jobs disappeared in 2008 because Metro Networks closed offices. Now I'll likely have to give up the other radio job just to make a little more.
jcollie719: (Panda Kigurumi)
Weekly calorie average: 1,893.6
Days above 2,000 calories: 2 (2,220 and 2,110)

I sometimes get anxious and/or depressed when I watch video footage of furry conventions and gatherings. This is odd because being around furries at a gathering/convention makes me happy and relaxed. I guess it's different when I can't directly talk to and hug them. I feel bad because I can't currently afford a fursuit or to go to more than one convention a year (driving to Denver for RMFC.) Also, I don't have any close friends (furry or non-furry) who invite me anywhere.
jcollie719: (I Haz A Sad)
Weekly calorie average: 1,832.9
Days above 2,000 calories: 2 (2,435 and 2,330)

Due to a bout of extreme depression today, I very seriously considered suicide. This was aggravated by someone I once considered a friend who played a not-funny joke over Twitter. This "joke" caused me to lose sleep because I was worried about him. After he wrote a follow-up the next day blasting the people who fell for it, I told him how disrespectful he was acting. He attacked me in his response, leading me to unfollow and block him on both Twitter and FA. It's a shame because I initially thought he was a nice guy and I'd hoped to get to know him better. Now that he's shown his true colors, I'll be sure to avoid him whenever possible.

On a happier note, I received a response from the group of radio stations that launched this year. I had posted a complaint on one station's Facebook page asking why I didn't receive any return calls when applying for a job. An employee told me he is normally in the office early in the morning, so I will call him on Monday morning.
jcollie719: (tiger jump)
Weekly calorie average: 1,967.1
Days above 2,000 calories: 1 (2,060)

I've put some weight back on. I had been between 250 and 255 for most of the year. This morning, I weighed 261. I haven't been exercising as much, mainly due to depression and lack of motivation. I can't even enjoy myself when doing things I like because I get stressed out about my inability to find a weekday job. Also, the lack of air conditioning and resulting heat tend to aggravate my anxiety. I usually enjoy the heat when I'm relaxed, but stress has a way of making it unbearable. I will get to fill in for another board operator for four hours next Sunday. I'm looking through my things to see if there's anything else I could sell to raise more money.

I saw a chart of how many hours a minimum wage person would have to work in order to afford a two-bedroom apartment. I believe Colorado's figure was 85 hours a week (17 hours a day Monday-Friday, or 12.1 hours a day Sunday-Saturday.) The two lowest states (Arkansas and West Virginia) had figures in the 60s. The highest figure belonged to Hawaii at 175 hours a week (that's 25 hours a day Sunday-Saturday!)

Speaking of KRCC, I noticed a few of the houses north of the station on Weber Street have a tall, chain link fence surrounding them now. I wonder if these houses are being renovated or torn down.
jcollie719: (Tiger costume)
I almost didn't go to Gerlypalooza yesterday. My mood was up and down all morning and I was too stressed and sad to take a nap after work. I decided to take a bubble bath instead. That perked me up enough to motivate me.

Gerlypalooza was held at the Southern Colorado Gaming and Events Center in Pueblo (the old greyhound track.) John Gerlock, the event's namesake, was able to play this year. He played drums for Carlos Crull, then played guitar and sang with his own Big Cat Band. It wasn't as crowded as it was last year and (thankfully) very few kids were there.

I ordered a bulk load of glow stick bracelets and shipping boxes last week. They should arrive sometime this week, then I'll put them up for sale on eBay.
jcollie719: (tiger jump)
I think this afternoon is the closest I’ve come to actually breaking down and crying in the past 8 years. My body has gotten used to me holding in my emotions since I was a kid (so I wouldn’t get teased.) Now on the rare times I truly feel like crying, it lasts maybe 2-3 seconds then my body basically says “stop.”

I’ve spent the last three years looking and applying for a full-time weekday job to supplement my weekend job. The biggest roadblock I’ve come across is potential employers that require me to work weekends, forcing me to give up my weekend job. I’ve been working at KRCC for close to 10 years. This is the longest, most enjoyable and most secure job I’ve had, and my current chances of being fired are less than 1% (not to mention this is what I went to college to learn to do.)

One second job I took (telemarketing) fired me after two days because I didn’t make enough sales. Another job (telephone surveys) had sporadic hours and weeks-long stretches with no available hours. The most recent job (Fort Carson dining hall worker) fired me after a month due to staff reductions. If I had quit KRCC to do any of these jobs on weekends, I’d be even further up Shit Creek now.

I could live on $17,000-22,000 a year if my parents still pay some of my bills (condo HOA, utilities and food,) but I know I can’t rely on them forever. I would need to make at least $25,000-30,000 to be truly self-sufficient. These totals include putting some money toward paying off my debt and saving up for emergencies and the occasional vacation.

My job counselor just e-mailed a few openings to me. They are all part-time retail positions instead of full-time, but I'll still apply. The job postings don't say exactly what the pay rate is, and they also say "Minimum one weekend day per week." I will have to contact the company to see exactly when I'd have to work on Saturday and/or Sunday and how much I'd actually get. The listing says hours are flexible, but some companies define flexible as "you can either work 8 to 5 or 8:30 to 5:30." I will give up or reschedule any leisure activities (Toastmasters, OA, etc.) which interfere with the job, but I hope to keep that to a minimum.
jcollie719: (tiger jump)
I'll have to wait to send a resume to the Pueblo stations. I thought I had some resume paper, but I don't and I can't buy any more until at least next Tuesday.

I'll have to call my Vocational Rehab counselor after my Toastmasters meeting tomorrow. She was out of the office Tuesday and fully booked Wednesday. My underemployed situation is causing me to lose my mind more frequently. Times like this make me wish I had someone close to me to help ease my pain.

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