Jerzei Collie's journal

Just some random jokes I thought of:

"I went to Raising Cane's for lunch the other day. I got the 3-Finger Combo ... and I also got some chicken."

"I've been practicing to become a contestant on The Price Is Right. Every morning, I step on my bathroom scale and shout 'Lower! Lower!'"

My dad put some money into my account after I told him about my delayed paycheck. I always feel bad about asking him for help, but he's glad to do it.

Watching political shows is a bit more tolerable when I have a soundboard of cartoon sound effects.

As of Friday, 98 days until Rocky Mountain Fur Con! I'd be more excited about it if I wasn't worried about whether I'll actually get one of the jobs I've applied for recently.

I'm pulling triple-duty at tomorrow's Toastmasters meeting: sergeant-at-arms, humorist and Table Topics master. Since there wasn't time for Table Topics last week, I'll use the topics I wrote for last week's meeting.

A crew of highway workers were busy replacing signs that had either been stolen or vandalized. The first sign the crew replaced was a deer crossing sign. After replacing it, one crew member spotted a deer running across the highway. The crew member looked at the others and said, "I wonder how long he's been waiting to cross."

My Xanax started to work around 7:00 this morning, so I was able to go back to bed and get about 3 more hours of on-and-off sleep.

I don't know if I'll be able to afford both (or either) of these trips, but just in case: Only 152 days until Further Confusion, and 195 days until Furry Fiesta!

The joke I found online for today's Toastmasters meeting went over really well:

A maid was cleaning the house when the phone rang. When she answered, the man on the other end asked, "Is my wife there?"

The maid said, "Yes, sir. She's upstairs in bed with her boyfriend."

Now, the man was obviously upset about this, so he said, "I want you to go to the hall closet, get my shotgun and shoot them both."

The maid put the phone down and walked off. A couple minutes later, she picked up the phone and said, "Okay. They're both dead. What should I do with the bodies?"

The man said, "Just toss them into the pool. I'll handle it when I get home."

The maid said, "But, Mr. Smith, we don't have a pool."

The man said, "Mr. Smith? Oh, sorry, I've got the wrong number!"

Too much free time can be dangerous, especially with programs like Morph Thing and photos of celebrities. I originally wanted to put a wig, dress and makeup on Mel Gibson's mug shot. That plan changed to morphing Mel Gibson with Jennifer Aniston and Tammy Faye Bakker/Messner. The Aniston morph used stock photos of both celebrities, while the Tammy Faye one used Mel's mug shot.

Also check out the Eat Da Poo-Poo Autotune remix!

Watch Rip Taylor car giveaway in Entertainment  |  View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com

EDIT: Okay. I couldn't get this to play at first, but rebooting my computer fixed the problem.

The Conan O'Brien stage show last night in Boulder was excellent. I decided not to wear the panda kigurumi. That turned out to be wise because it would have been hot and uncomfortable, not to mention inconvenient for using the restroom. Instead, I wore a bright orange shirt.

I won't give away too many details to avoid spoiling it for those with tickets to future shows. Opening act Reggie Watts did some funny musical numbers, including a curse word rap using a vocal loop sampler. Following the band's opening number, Conan came out and made jokes about Boulder's laid-back reputation ("hippies snowboarding on granola,") Colorado's high altitude/thinner air and his NBC settlement. Andy Richter had many funny bits, including one called "What I've Learned." Tonight Show writer Deon Cole did a great stand-up act. Other bits and characters from the show made appearances, including the "Walker Texas Ranger" lever, The Masturbating Bear and a taped message from Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. Conan and the band also did several musical numbers. Overall, the show was well worth the price of a great seat (6th row center stage.) The drive to Boulder was only about 90 minutes. The drive home took a bit longer, both due to being late at night and taking a couple of wrong turns in Boulder.

I found my backup WiFi adapter this morning. Its software is still on my computer, so I no longer need to run AOL first to get a connection.

A friend recently e-mailed pictures of several funny newspaper headlines/ads. Here are a few I found amusing:





( 4 more under the cut! )

My voice is a little better. I'd say it's around 30% recovered. I'll see a doctor if my cold/cough hasn't gotten better by Wednesday.