Jerzei Collie's journal

I feel like complete shit now. This weekend has been filled mostly with stress, panic attacks, violent outbursts and feelings of being hopeless and worthless. I have a feeling things will continue to get worse before they get better. The problem is: I'm having a hard enough time dealing with my current situation. I can't imagine how I'll be able to handle myself when things start getting *really* bad.

I'm looking hard for a new job, yet others call me a leech, freeloader, etc. because -- until last October -- I had been collecting unemployment, which I helped pay for (for myself and others) through taxes from my previous jobs. I'm competing against hundreds of others for each open position, even at fast-food restaurants. My unemployment has run out, but the bills are still coming each month and I still need to eat to stay alive.

I have come across people who delight in spreading negative energy. Perhaps it's best if I permanently keep them away to keep myself from feeling worse.

I think I've got a local fur meet version of PCD. I'm also about to write a "depressed rambling emo rant," so I'll put it under a cut to save everyone the pain of scrolling through it.

( ... )

I just needed to get this off my chest:

This is who I am. I may not be or have everything you're looking for. I can change and I'm willing to try new things, but I'm not going to pretend to be someone I'm not. Just because someone else says people like me are unacceptable, unfashionable, undesirable, etc. doesn't mean that person is right. You don't have to give the media's Pavlovian response of ridicule and/or disgust when you see me. It takes more than a single dinner/coffee or a few minutes on the phone to get to know me. If you don't wish to see or speak to me again, be honest. Don't tell me to call you then have your answering machine constantly pick up without a response. In short, if you wouldn't want others to do it to you, don't do it to others.