Jerzei Collie's journal

One beer, two beers, three beers, four. How many can I finish before I hit the floor?

I was originally scheduled to work tomorrow (Saturday) from 6 AM-1:30 PM, according to the schedule printed last week. I had planned to find a sub at KRCC from 2-3 or 2-4. When I got in line to sign my time card tonight, I was told I would actually begin my shift at 1:30 instead of ending it then. Since my KRCC shift is less than 17 hours away and it's late at night, it's too late for me to find a substitute for my shift. More on that later.

I was stationed in the clipper room at my job today. At one point, the clipper machine had stopped and, while waiting for it to start again, some of the workers were conversing with each other. One of the shift leaders came into the room, pointed at us and yelled "Busted! Busted! Busted! Busted! You're standing around talking and not working." A few moments later when he walked by again, I tried to explain what had happened and suggested he could have been more polite. He cut me off and started ranting again. When I tried talking to him again, he turned around and walked away in mid-sentence. I told him I wanted to speak to his supervisor, and he said in a mocking voice "OOOOO, you want to speak to my SUPERVISOR!" I felt severely humiliated and began suffering more panic attacks as I tried to speak to the other shift leader about what had happened.

Anyway, since I couldn't find a substitute for my KRCC shift (and because I was again given a last-minute notice about a schedule change,) I will let Service Source know I won't be coming in on Saturday. I will ask Vocational Rehab to find another job for me. I'd rather earn less at a job I like than go through today's events again or be subject to more unannounced changes. Ironically, I found a penny on the ground as I walked into the building; I thought that was supposed to be GOOD luck!

I wish there was a better and/or less expensive way for me to get rid of these panic attacks. I seem to be in a no-win situation with weather; cold weather makes me feel depressed, while hot weather increases my anxiety. I don't have air conditioning to make my condo more comfortable, and the fans just seem to blow the hot air around instead of cooling it.

I read a news story earlier tonight about a fire at the Fox Bar in Fort Collins. This was where the Foxtrot meet was held last month. The cause is under investigation, but fire officials say it appeared to have been accidentally started. When I planned to go to the meet, I didn't know until a couple days before that this was a gay bar. The bar's staff and customers were wonderful and made me feel welcome.

I feel like complete shit now. This weekend has been filled mostly with stress, panic attacks, violent outbursts and feelings of being hopeless and worthless. I have a feeling things will continue to get worse before they get better. The problem is: I'm having a hard enough time dealing with my current situation. I can't imagine how I'll be able to handle myself when things start getting *really* bad.

I'm looking hard for a new job, yet others call me a leech, freeloader, etc. because -- until last October -- I had been collecting unemployment, which I helped pay for (for myself and others) through taxes from my previous jobs. I'm competing against hundreds of others for each open position, even at fast-food restaurants. My unemployment has run out, but the bills are still coming each month and I still need to eat to stay alive.

I have come across people who delight in spreading negative energy. Perhaps it's best if I permanently keep them away to keep myself from feeling worse.

I miss the days when I could worry about things other than whether I could afford to pay bills or not. Wednesday morning, I called (and left a voice mail for) the Vocational Rehab employee I normally see. He didn't return my call; I'm hoping he will today.

Today marks 78 days until Rocky Mountain Fur Con. Another attendee offered to share his hotel room with me, so that will cut down on my costs. If I'm unable to start a new j0b before then, I most likely won't be able to attend Oklacon this year. As an aside, I have to type j0b with a zero instead of an "o" because the latter creates a link to a spam site. I don't know if that's being done by LiveJournal or if there's spyware on my laptop.

My end-of-May and end-of-June KRCC paychecks will be larger than normal. I forgot to submit a time card for mid-May, so I added the hours to the end-of-May one. The end-of-June check will include all of the hours I'll be working during the membership drive.

My anxiety attacks are getting worse. They're keeping me up at night. Every day, I feel like all the effort I've put into j0b-hunting has been in vain. I'm tired of being misjudged as lazy and/or a drain on the taxpayers by people who have never experienced what it's like to be laid off. I'm making the effort to become empl0yed again, but I've been hitting dead ends for the past 2-1/2 years.

It's 2 AM and I'm having trouble sleeping. Venting online usually helps me relax and think straight.

As some of you may know, I use the screen name jcollie719 on most furry sites. (I had started my LJ page a couple of years before I became a furry, hence the different account name.) My main Twitter account is jtr115 since I wanted it to be an "all-purpose" account (i.e. both furry and non-furry related.) Tuesday night, I decided to create a separate jcollie719 Twitter account for a few reasons:
(1) I felt somewhat reluctant to post about everything I did that was furry-related due to fear of rejection from others.
(2) I wanted to make it easier for people who know me as jcollie719 to find me.
(3) The new account would also function as an "after dark" account on the extremely rare occasions I discuss anything sexual (and also keep such discussions away from the eyes of potential employers.)

Not even two hours later, my mind started telling me I made a mistake. It tends to become paranoid whenever I even think of doing something new or different. Okay, mind, here are the main reasons you shouldn't worry:
(1) Everyone who knows me or wants to friend me online is welcome to do so at my "human" Twitter or my furry Twitter, or both or neither.
(2) I only call myself "John R." on my original Twitter. The new account merely identifies me as Jerzei Collie. It's like how most people in superhero tales don't know the ordinary human being behind the costume.
(3) My non-furry friends and co-workers who know I'm a furry are cool with it.
(4) Those who would unfollow me over something like this are either folks I don't know on a personal level or businesses/spambots who followed me just because I live in Colorado or used a word related to their businesses in my Tweets.

Whew! See, talking things out really does help put things in perspective.

After getting home from KRCC, I discovered my afternoon dose of medication was still in my shirt pocket. No wonder I got so anxious! My voice is nearly back to normal thanks to some rest, a little Grand Marnier and a few cups of green tea.

My new weekday job at Luce keeps canceling weekend shifts. All new employees are required to work 6 Saturday and Sunday shifts, and I've only done 2 or 3 so far. As I've said before, I enjoy the scheduling flexibility offered by this company, but I don't like having shifts get canceled or having my calls to the scheduler's voicemail go unanswered.

I hate having to tell my KRCC subs the night before that I don't need them to sub for that week. I know it's frustrating to make plans around a fill-in shift only to have the shift canceled. That's how I feel when Luce does it, too. I have an appointment with Vocational Rehab on Wednesday to look for something else.

I'm thankful that I'm sitting in the KRCC studio putting Mike and Ike candies in my mouth, instead of sitting in a jail cell with Mike and Ike putting something else in my mouth (and other openings.)

I was able to get 10-11 hours of sleep last night. That more than made up for the half-hour I got yesterday morning. The anti-anxiety techniques I read about last night helped me to cope with the tension of my pre-Thanksgiving-dinner debacle. I still get a little anxious when I think about what happened, but I no longer have extended crippling panic attacks and the memory only pops up once in a while. I cannot change the past, and given the fact that I escaped the debacle without getting arrested and/or shot, that's one facet of my past I wouldn't want to change.

89 days until Furry Fiesta 2011! I'm thinking about getting some black gloves and drawing/pasting a paw print on the palm and fingers so I look a little more like a panda instead of just a panda with human hands. I may also look for some slippers that look like panda feet.

Last Thursday, I mentioned to my therapist that I missed that week's Overeaters Anonymous meeting. When he said "That's the one you were supposed to lead, right?" I started panicking. I had missed the meeting because all day Monday, I kept thinking it was Tuesday. I programmed my cell phone to remind me about the meetings every Monday at 4:55 PM. I made it to yesterday's meeting and discovered this was the meeting I had signed up to lead, not last week's. That made me feel so much better.

After the meeting, I went to the Safeway in the Bon Shopping Center and found the Sara Lee 45-calorie wheat bread I had been looking for. It will be nice to shave some calories off of my sandwiches.

Both my physician and psychologist have recommended that I gradually reduce the amount of Tegretol I take. It's a pill meant to control epileptic seizures, but my past EEG and MRI results show I never had epilepsy and the twitching I occasionally experienced was caused by panic and anxiety. I had cut back from two pills per day to just one a few weeks ago. Beginning next week, I'll take one pill every other day.

I'll order one more refill (per the psychologist's suggestion) so I can have some pills available in case stopping them makes things worse again. With my therapy and the Your Erroneous Zones book, however, I think I'll be fine. The 11-hour workday I had Sunday will help absorb the expense of the refill; it costs about $102, while my other meds cost $15 total. After this month, having the extra $102 in my account will greatly help when my other bills come due.

One odd thing I noticed when I first started taking Tegretol back in 1994 or 1995 was it caused everything I heard to sound about a half-pitch lower. In other words, if a song is played in the key of A, it sounded somewhere between G# and A. Since I've begun cutting back, the music, TV shows and everything else sounds a lot brighter.

I thought I'd have much more motivation today, but I'm actually feeling worse than yesterday...and why the hell does my television keep making those popping noises when it's turned off?

The latest match from the dating service said she would call me back, but she hasn't. I'll try again in an hour or so since she was at work the first time I called. I wish I had more self-confidence. I also wish one of the businesses where I applied for a job would hire me. I still need to check eBay, but I think only one of the DVDs I'm selling has a bidder so far. (EDIT: Two are selling, with about three hours left.)

Bleh, I need to find out which doctors/psychiatrists accept my new "insurance" so I can get some help with these issues I'm having.